22 Years Old and Still Don’t Know What I Really Want.
I remember clearly about my pray “semoga tidak menjadi orang yang merugi” that I started asking when I entered adulthood (18+). Doa itu hingga kini masih terpanjatkan dan semakin lantang terdengar dari lisan, pikiran, hingga hati. Bagaimana tidak? Kata “merugi” menjadi momok yang menakutkan dewasa ini. Satu kata tersebut dapat menggambarkan kegagalan, kehilangan, hingga kebodohan. Gagal mendapatkan keuntungan, kehilangan kesempatan, dan bodoh karena tidak bisa belajar dari pengalaman, yang mana semua itu bermuara pada kerugian dan mengalir ke lautan penyesalan.
Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Recently, I feel my live so boring, flat, empty, and indescribable. The day after day that I pass feels the same and repeated. So, does it mean I am not learning anything that makes me repeat the same things? and is it a sign that I fail? Oh no, aku yakin tidak demikian, atau setidaknya aku harap tidak demikian. I’m just not sure what I want, so I don’t know what I should do, is this the right way or not? is my today better than my last day? and the others vague questions. Well, I didn’t fail. Eitsss,, Wait, wait, let me think about it…… If I don’t know what I do, does it mean I fail to recognize myself? I haven’t fully explored myself, so I have no power over me. Oh damage…. That’s makes me don’t know what to do with myself because I have no power over me. Actually, I don’t not know what I want but I don’t have enough constancy to desire because I’m not sure about myself. If they asked me, what I want or what I dream about? I have so many answers from simple things to the big dream. But if they asked me, what I really want? all of those disappear from my head and I don’t have the answer is. Fuck desire!
Okey, let’s say I have failed. But my live not over yet. So, I still have an option, learn and rise from failure or repeat the failure again. So, everyone who read this, wish me luck! At least I can define myself and find my real desire. Give me time to contemplate and I’ll write it back as soon as possible after I get it.
