SADTEMBER
Dear everyone I have met in the past, in the present, and everyone I will meet in the future. I apologize for every hurt and break I have caused or may cause with something I didn’t mean.
I’m sorry for every mistake I have made or potentially make in the future. After and before of that happens, from the depths of my heart, I sincerely apologize for my incapability in communication and convey my intentions, my lack to control over my facial expressions and my intonation when speaking, my reckless attitude, my lack of focus, my stupidity, my ignorance, and all of my shortcomings.
To be honest, at 24 years old, I questioning my sins and wondering what my biggest mistakes are that have led God to punish me with a sense of a half guilt and half numbness. In the midst of the ambiguity of those feelings, I have been trying to figure out how to be good person while also accepting myself. Why is it so hard? Even my friend told me, “To be good person, just don’t be yourself”. Am I really that bad? ☹
But, trust me, I never have bad intentions toward others. I just struggle to express my feelings and emotions. Which makes me lose control to make decision and act. Maybe I look like unpredictable person, lunatic, hasty, and fierce. I hope this doesn’t across as seeking an excuse or just classic justification. I really apologize.
I have been really tired recently, I am starting to feel like a pathetic person who needs to be loved, but no one loves me. That’s what I hate and fear the most. As long as I live, I’ve always tried to be independent because I believe I can only rely on myself. I don’t have a perfect picture of love and relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, or anything related to humans). So, I don’t understand what love is and how to build great relationships with people, except for family relationships, which are destined (and I have to be grateful for that). I still wonder why some people can be madly in love and willing to do anything to attain it, while others like me question love. I once thought “Maybe I don’t need love, respect is enough”. Now I questioning that statement, Is that one of my idiot logic I ever thought and foolish beliefs I ever had? Seriously, can I get respect without love? Not just temporary or fake.
Until today, I can manage to live my life well, but I feel more and more emptiness day by day. My enthusiasm for enjoying life is decreasing. I dont know, it just normal phase in human life called a “quarter-life crisis” or if there’s something wrong with me that I have to fix as soon as possible. I’m not the type of person who cries easily and is easily touched. But recently I have been crying a lot than before. I worry about the uncertainty that is getting more apparent. Whether it’s because I never put effort into love and often ignore it? So, blank space in my life is growing larger as I get older because the number of people who leave is greater than the number of those people who come.
If so, in this new age amidst infinite uncertainty, can I wish for guidance in understanding what love is, how to love, and to be loved? Although I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for, at least give me a chance to experience it and the strength to face it later if it really happens. I will give my best.
